Women are from Venus, Men are from Hell
by RipperGiles
Summary: Angel and Kate team up to face a new kind of foe...


The lights of the apartment building corridor reflected in the black eyes of the three grey Aliens. They   
walked awkwardly to apartment 211 and knocked. The door eventually opened, allowing a wave of music   
to wash over them.   
  
"Come in, come in!" a butterfly offered. The alien at the front was reluctant but the others pushed it inside   
and closed the door.  
  
"There's drinks over there and food in the kitchen. Have fun." The butterfly drifted away into a crowd of   
assorted demons, ghosts, cats and a Barbie doll.  
  
"I should be out patrolling," the reluctant alien said over the music.   
  
"You need the time off. 'Sides it was you and Buffy who said nothing ever happens at Halloween so I   
thought this would be, you know, fun?" Cordelia removed her facemask, her face was damp from the heat   
wave that had hit LA.  
  
  
  
Outside a run down bungalow, two young officers stood in the moonlight and rain. As an LAPD car pulled   
up, one turned to the other.  
  
"Who ya gonna call?"  
  
Kate stepped from the car and approached them as three more cars arrived at the scene. They parted to let   
her through. She glared at them. They knew she had heard. Inside, as her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she   
could pick out four bodies. Two had huge gaping wounds in their chests, a third was cut in two and the   
fourth had the top of his head sliced open. The first detail she noticed was that they were scattered, facing   
different ways, as if they had not known where their attacker had come from. The second thing she noticed   
was that none of the bodies fitted the description she had of Chico Rodonda, the petty drug dealer whose   
house this was.  
  
As she paced the stale room, inspecting the walls, bullet holes betrayed a gunfight. She found a gun here   
and there but she was looking for more than the banal. Bending down, she opened one of the dead men's   
hands. Even in death, he gripped a cross so tightly, it dug into his cold flesh. Sickened, she rose and turned   
as one of the city's police photographers entered.  
  
"What do you think it was Kate?"  
  
She was about to round on him but pausing a moment, she realised that his tone was genuine and open.  
  
"Whatever it was, it got in here without being seen, ripped four big men apart, then left dragging Chico   
Rodonda behind it." She pointed at the lines of blood wending out of the door.   
  
"I'm Peter Green," the photographer said, offering a hand.  
  
Kate shook it reluctantly.  
  
"Heard about your theories," he started but noticing her brace he added "no, no...I mean, I have   
photographed some things they just can't explain. You know, bites, inexplicable wounds that sort of thing."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So, I think maybe you have it right."  
  
Kate stared at him.  
  
  
The party was a success. Wesley was making a fool of himself with two young ladies who simply adored   
his accent. Angel had found a quiet corner and, like all brooding types, found that people left him alone   
with his whisky. Cordelia had become tipsy and was throwing herself around wildly.   
  
Suddenly, she fell to the floor, knocking over a lamp. In the strangely angled light, Wesley noticed the   
pained look on her face. He ran over to her.  
  
"No, oh no!" she wailed.  
  
"Angel, Cordelia's having a vision." Wesley called. Angel started toward them.  
  
"I broke a nail," she said.  
  
"Never mind," Wesley called over and Angel retreated to his corner again.  
  
"Oh no!"  
  
"What is it now, a follicle out of place?"  
  
Cordelia bent double and collapsed, one hand gripping her head.  
  
"Angel, Cordelia's having a vision."  
  
Angel crossed the room, looked around then lifted Cordelia up and, with Wesley's help, carried her into the   
corridor. Wesley closed the door to the apartment and the three were alone. The two men crouched next to   
Cordelia, worried expressions on their faces. Wesley gently mopped her brow with his sleeve.  
  
"Ow! A demon. Tall, maybe eight foot tall with thick armour. It has big claws. Oh god. It hurts."  
  
"Take it easy Cordelia," Angel said.  
  
"It's killing… a man, Mexican I think. Oh no! Opening him up and pulling apart. Nooo!!!" She fainted.  
  
"Lets get her to the office, she can sleep in my bed. I'll pick up some weapons and head out."  
  
"Yes and I'll see what I can find on tall, armour wearing demons that have a penchant for the gruesome."  
  
Cordelia's limp body hung over Angel's arms as he stepped into the lift with Wesley. The doors closed and   
they began to descend.  
  
"Is it me, or is it really hot tonight?" Wesley asked.  
  
  
LA's finest were scouring the top of the Korean Bank. The hot wind whipped through Kate's hair. She   
brushed the blond strands out of her eyes and stared at the body Peter was photographing on the edge of the   
monolith. A tattoo on its upper right arm identified the body as that of Chico Rodonda. That was fortunate   
because his head was gone. Kate cursed whatever it was that had done this. Not that she cared about Chico:   
hell, the world would be a shinier place tomorrow. No, what she hated most about these murders was the   
paperwork. No way could she turn in a report detailing demonic strength and unholy power. Mention a   
vampire? No way. They would have Internal Affairs checking your place for drugs before the morning. So,   
you turned in reports claiming gang related or PCP crimes. The investigation went in the wrong directions   
and justice was never served. Sometimes, the wrong people were accused or harassed, but what could she   
do? Throw a bucket of holy water on them and say: "hey he's not a vampire he couldn't have done it   
alright?"   
  
Kate was beginning to hate LA.  
  
"Oh great, look who's here!" she said.  
  
Angel, who had seen the commotion from down in the streets, had made his way to the top of the building   
and was striding toward Kate and Peter. An officer moved to intercept him but Kate waved him through.  
  
"Who is he? Bad guy or good guy?" Peter said.  
  
"Bad guy," Kate said but her voice faltered slightly. Peter looked at her face. Her eyes were hard as ever   
but something about her lips betrayed her feelings.  
  
"You're sure now?"   
  
"Hi Kate, what was it?" Angel said.  
  
"Well it wasn't suicide," she snapped.  
  
"Aren't you too warm in that coat? Hi I'm Peter." Angel shook his hand.  
  
"I don't get too warm. I've never seen something like this before. Why would it take the head and not feed   
or mate?" Angel mused.  
  
Peter stared at Angel then at Kate. Her arms were folded tight and her lips pursed.  
  
"Mate?"  
  
"One more thing, why is there blood at the body but none anywhere else. If you rip off a head and carry it   
around, you get blood everywhere."  
  
"Mate?" Peter tried again.  
  
"Speaking from experience, Angel?" Kate said.  
  
Angel looked a little ashamed. "Actually, yes."  
  
"Hello? Mating? The whole mating thing – why doesn't this squik anyone else?"  
  
Angel walked away, leaving Kate and Peter to watch. Peter mopped sweat from his brow and turned to   
Kate.  
  
"Who is he?"  
  
"Angel. He's a vampire," she said and walked off.  
  
Peter wanted to laugh but somehow the tone in her voice left no room for mirth. Vampire? A real vampire?   
Peter flicked the flash button to 'off' and quickly took a photograph of Angel.  
  
  
Three days later Angel, Wesley and Cordelia sat in Angel's office. The musty books in front of Wesley had   
proved useless. He was frustrated and irritable.  
  
"Nothing, not a thing. I can find no demon that both matches Cordelia's description and the modus   
operandi you describe Angel. This is hopeless." Wesley snapped a book closed and picked up a newspaper.   
He poured through an article about the murders: sixteen in just four nights. "Angel?"  
  
"I don't know Wesley, it's as if this thing has no motive, it just kills randomly. I think it uses roof tops but   
I've been up there for the last three nights and I've seen nothing."  
  
"Drug dealers, a lawyer– no loss there- some gang members, a pimp and an Olympic medallist. I've   
checked backgrounds, cross-referenced crime records, even done anagrams with their names." The two   
men looked at Cordelia.  
  
"Did you know Daniel Marsham is I, Darn Male Sham which is ironic for an Olympic champion."  
  
"Cordelia how do anagrams…" began Angel but Wesley interrupted him.  
  
"Of course! Cordelia, check and see if a gun was found at the scene of the lawyer's murder. I believe we   
may have our motive Angel. You see Daniel Marsham was a bronze medallist in pistol. Each of the violent   
crime victims were almost certainly armed."  
  
"Yes, a gun was found but I don't get it – how does this help us?"  
  
The three sat quiet for a while. Then, Wesley spoke.  
  
"Good lord, this thing's hunting."  
  
A terrible silence fell on the room.   
  
The door creaked open slowly and a crucifix appeared round it. It trembled as Peter stepped into the room.   
He regarded Angel with terror. Then he looked at Cordelia and Wesley with confusion. As Angel backed   
away, Cordelia covered for him and approached their strange visitor.  
  
"Hi! Welcome to Angel Investigations, we help the hopeless," she chimed with a killer smile.   
  
He nervously thrust a crucifix in her direction. Cordelia raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Please, I'm a bitch not a demon."  
  
Angel peered around from behind her. "Peter?"   
  
"S-stay away vampire, I've got holy water too…somewhere…ah here."  
  
"How," asked Wesley frowning, "did you know he was a vampire?"  
  
Peter reached into a pocket and produced a large photograph. He held it up for Cordelia.   
  
"Nice panorama but Angel isn't in that photograph," she said.  
  
They waited for her to catch up.  
  
  
It took almost half an hour before Peter calmed down. Eventually though, Wesley and Cordelia charmed   
him and he dropped his guard. Angel spoke softly.  
  
"OK if you were so scared, why did you come here?"  
  
Peter pointed at the photograph. It appeared to be a night shot of the top of the building where Chico had   
been found. Angel stared at it. It showed a half dozen officers, some distant rooftops and some stars. He   
shook his head and looked at Peter.  
  
"Yeah that was my first reaction too, but I spent a long time looking for you in the photograph."  
  
"I must have been about…here," Angel pointed.  
  
"Yeah, so have a look at this bit on the edge of the roof. Here, use this magnifying glass." Peter produced a   
magnifying glass and gave it tentatively to Angel. "See, do you see it?"  
  
Angel stared. At first, he could only see the obvious but then he noticed the outline of the roof edge was   
wavy. Looking closer, the stars were blurred just above the roof. Tracing the blurs outline, he sat back.  
  
"About eight foot tall, claws and invisible. I think we've seen our hunter."  
  
Peter produced another photograph and laid it on Angel's desk. He looked nervously at them.  
"I was so confused, I went back…see if I could see this thing again. Only, now, I knew what I was looking   
for…"  
  
Angel stared at the photograph. Wesley peered over his shoulder.  
  
"My God," Wesley said.  
  
"Does Kate know about this?" Angel asked Peter.  
  
"I told her before I came to you."  
  
Angel swept from the room.  
  
Cordelia looked at Wesley. He held up the photograph for her. It took her a moment to understand what she   
was looking at. There, almost invisible, on top of the Marriott hotel, barely visible save for a blurred outline   
was a huge saucer shaped object.  
  
  
  
Angel ran. Being undead, he felt less pain. This meant he could run hard and fast for a long time. The   
Marriott was three blocks from his office so he sprinted. As he tore through the streets, he flicked open his   
mobile and called Kate's number. It rang, then forwarded.  
  
"Hello?" came the cautious and quiet reply.  
  
"Kate, wait for me, don't go in alone," Angel urged. He leaped over a car waiting at a junction.  
  
"I knew you were involved somehow, stay away from here Angel."  
  
"I'm not involved, Peter told me about it." Angel tore into the lobby of the Marriott.  
  
"Can I help…" began a surprised bellhop.  
  
Angel disappeared into the elevator and pressed for the top floor.  
  
"You want to know why I hate you Angel? Its not because you're a vampire, although that's part of it. It's   
not even because your kind killed my father. It isn't even because I'm sick of all the scum in this damn city.   
The real reason Angel, do you want to know?"  
  
The express elevator stopped and Angel rushed out, looking for stairs. He found them and pushed his legs   
once more as he rapidly approached the roof.  
  
"Yes," he said, not interested but determined to keep Kate from entering the UFO herself.  
  
"OK I'll tell you. I did some digging into your past. I know about Angelus and your curse."  
  
"How?" Angel leaped the stairs three at a time.  
  
"I have friends in England, Bristol to be precise. You know Angel, near the Cotswolds, the Watcher's   
Council? Well, so here I am…" she stopped.  
  
Angel was afraid she was going to go on without him when he was so close.  
  
"Carry on."  
  
"Well. Well, so here I am falling in love with you and it turns out you can't be with me or I get to press   
charges on Angelus. I wanted to be with you but you can't. You make me fall for those huge brown eyes   
and then it turns out you can't love anyone. That's why I hate you Angel, that's why I don't want you   
anywhere near me."  
  
"I can love."  
  
"Can you? You think celibacy works? You think its natural when you are with someone you love? Dammit   
Angel even my father liked you. I hate you Angel. I hate you for making me fall for you."  
  
Angel thought about Buffy. Would he still be with her if they could make love? Perhaps. Could he bear to   
be with her without making love? No. Kate was right.  
  
Angel burst through the roof door to face Kate. They held their phones for a moment longer.  
  
"Bye," he said into the phone.  
  
"Goodbye Angel," she breathed. A single tear, so incongruous on her hard face, rolled down one cheek.  
  
Angel ran at her and knocked her over as a huge gun blast hit the concrete roof where she had been. Plumes   
of smoke covered them allowing Kate to see three laser sights, arranged in a triangle, searching for them. A   
huge creature landed heavily on the roof, just yards from them. Kate scrambled to her feet and lowered her   
gun but she could see nothing. A sound like growled clicks came from behind her. She spun in time to see   
a huge shimmering in the smoke. Then, Angel struck from the side, sending it flying into the side of the   
saucer. Kate desperately tried to focus on it. She let three rounds go.  
  
"Get out of my town you bastard," she yelled as three laser sights focused on her chest.   
  
Angel stepped between her and the creature, into the path of the sights. It paused – confused. It's sight   
focused on nothing. There was nothing there. Suddenly a huge force hit it, sending it back into the saucer   
again. It clacked and reached for a control panel on its arm. It needed a different spectrum.  
  
Click, click, click. It tapped at the control panel. Nothing, nothing, something. A human, but cold. Angel   
had the upper hand and pressed, smashing his foot into where he thought the creature's head must have   
been. A glancing blow landed but it was enough to throw the sensors on the creature's helmet. It had no   
choice now but to become visible and remove its helmet. There was a rush of pressurised gas and a moment   
later, it faced Angel totally visible.  
  
Angel recoiled slightly as the creature's face became visible. It had no nose, reptilian skin, mandibles and   
tentacles.   
  
"Ugleee mother fucker," It growled in a deep voice.  
  
The beast slammed a huge hand into Angel, smashing him to the floor. As he rolled groggily, it turned back   
to face Kate. She pumped her remaining three more rounds into it. Green luminous blood squirted from the   
wounds but it hardly seemed to notice. Grabbing her by the hair, it turned and entered the saucer, dragging   
her behind it. It punched a control panel with its free hand and the door began to close as it walked deep   
into the ship with its trophy.   
  
In a daze, Angel fell through the doorway as it closed with a resounding metallic boom.  
  
  
"Kate!"  
  
"Angel!"  
  
Angel turned and ran back. He was lost in a maze of curved, organic corridors. Yellow lighting and floors   
covered in mist just added to the disorienting nature of the ship. Turning at the next junction, Angel fell   
sideways as the whole ship jolted to life.   
  
"This isn't good," Angel guessed correctly and pressed on faster. He ran up a seemingly endless ramp,   
taking him to the top of the ship. Here, he rounded one more corner and found Kate, in the centre of a   
circular room frantically aiming her gun from one creature to another.  
  
"Bullets?"  
  
"What do you think?"   
  
"Thought so."  
  
"What do we do now hotshot?"  
  
A huge blow sent Angel skittering across the room to end up at Kate's feet. Her sardonic look greeted him   
as he stood. The creatures covered all their exits. Angel looked up and then across at Kate. The creature   
with no helmet had laser sights trained on her.   
  
"Give me the gun Kate!"  
  
Surprisingly, to both her and Angel, she did as he asked. The laser sight appeared on Angel's chest. One of   
the creatures clacked impatiently. Angel moved. He ran at one of the walls as a blast seared the air next to   
him. He ran up the wall and back-flipped, avoiding a second devastating volley. Kate watched in   
astonishment as Angel landed next to his hunter. With brutal strength, Angel ripped at the creature's arm,   
pointing it at the roof as it fired again. A view port window burst into millions of fragments, showering the   
room. Only Angel reacted. He grabbed Kate and threw her up to the window giving her enough height to   
catch and scramble through.  
  
She turned to see Angel, laser sights decorating his entire body, looking up at her. Desperately, she reached   
a hand for him. Instead of jumping, he threw her the useless gun. Instinctively she caught it, then, as red   
light flashed into her eyes, she rolled. Several powerful blasts opened a hole in the roof and Angel leapt   
through the gap, to land next to Kate. Before they could move, the ship bucked sending them careening to   
the edge of the saucer. Their hunter leapt to the roof. Behind him, the glass portal was sealed with metal   
emergency shields. Angel and Kate tried to stand. It was disconcerting to see LA so clearly below them   
through the invisible ship.   
  
The creature approached them.  
  
"Haaand to haaand," it grated.  
  
Kate snapped into a simple Karate stance. Angel's face flared. They looked at each other, Angel wondering   
what effect his vampire face would have on Kate. Her pained green eyes searched him for a moment.  
  
"Lets take back LA for the good guys," she said.  
  
Angel launched himself at the creature only to be beaten down. This gave Kate her opening and she swept   
the creature to the ground. It landed with a clang and she tried to follow with a low punch but it grabbed her   
hand and, with unearthly strength, threw her to the edge. She slid, grasping desperately but could see   
nothing to hold onto. Her body pivoted and dropped over the edge but Angel was there. He lay across the   
surface of the saucer, holding onto her right arm as she dangled above nighttime LA.   
  
"I can't move Kate, if I do I'll fall. Climb up me."  
  
She reached and began to pull herself upward but as she did so, Angel slid forward. She relaxed back,   
noting that he was beginning to strain. She looked back up to speak to Angel but she fell silent as the huge   
alien beast stood over him. The UFO began to move through the hot night air. LA was beginning to pass   
under them.  
  
"Let me drop," she said.  
  
The alien drove an armoured foot into Angel's back. He barely moved. Again. This time he flinched. Once   
more and Angel grimaced but his concentration was absolute. Wing Lao had taught him how to focus.   
There was only one solution to their problem.  
  
A huge hand plunged into his back, then another. Kate watched his yellow eyes weaken and gently water.   
Still Angel did not move. The alien took a step back and bellowed the kill. Angel moved. He pushed hard,   
sending him and Kate into the night air. As they plummeted, he pulled her into his arms.  
  
"This is going to hurt," he shouted over the rush of air..  
  
A moment later, his powerful legs buckled and snapped as they hit the rooftop of a skyscraper. He fell   
back, taking all the impact away from Kate but shattering most of his lower body. She rolled away, unhurt.  
Angel screamed in agony. The pain tore through him like fire, sending him into sweet oblivion.  
  
Kate started toward him but the creature landed next to her. She looked at Angel, helpless, perhaps dead?   
No, not dead, but soon this thing would tear him apart. The alien grasped her neck and pulled her from the   
ground. She could barely breathe. Her legs kicked and she fought hard but the oxygen had gone and her   
strength was fading. Blackness swam round her mind. In her semi-conscious state, she looked at Angel but   
saw her father. The world's best ever cop, helpless, killed by this creature, this alien, this…criminal.   
  
She pulled handcuffs from her belt, flicked them open and gouged at the alien's eye. It dropped her and   
staggered back toward Angel, roaring. She gasped for breath and then recovered.  
  
"Stay away from my father you piece of scum," she screamed, her eyes full of rage. She ran at it and kicked   
it clear of Angel, then rolled and came up next to it. By crushing the alien's wrist she managed to handcuff   
it to her.  
  
"You're going down," she said and leaped at the edge of the roof, using all her weight to drag the creature   
with her. She spun and whipped her leg against it. It buckled. She did it again. This time the creature   
toppled onto the safety barrier at the edge. With strength borne of fury, Kate heaved the creature over the   
edge. As it fell she braced against the barrier but even so, was almost dragged over.  
  
Dangling below her, the alien flicked open a pouch and removed a huge knife. It looked like it was for   
gutting elephants. The alien brandished the knife at Kate, inches from her straining face.  
  
"What doo wee doo now hotshot?" it taunted.  
  
Kate reached her free hand around and showed it a key.   
  
"I think I just discovered the key to life."  
  
She released her cuff and watched the creature tumble to its death on LA's streets, far below.  
  
"I told you, you were going down," she yelled.  
  
She staggered back to where Angel lay and searched his pockets for his mobile. Angel remained   
unconscious as she called Wesley. Then she lay down next to him and for the first time since her father   
died, she wept.   
  
  
Angel was almost whole again when Kate visited him. Cordelia and Wesley watched suspiciously as she   
gave Angel a parcel with 'Get Well Soon' scrawled on it. Awkwardly, Angel sat up in his bed. He opened   
it with his good hand to find a three pint blood bag packed on ice.   
  
He looked at Kate, his deep brow furrowing in confusion. She rolled up her sleeve and showed him where   
the needles had entered.  
  
"I figured you could use the good stuff," she said coldly and covered up again. "Well, I'll be going then."   
She walked to the lift and let herself out.  
  
"Well, that was a short visit hmmm?" Wesley said.  
  
Angel stared at the blood bag, then at the lift, then, once again, at the blood bag.   
  
"Women are all aliens to me Wesley," he said.  
  
"Please! Anything that breathes is alien to you." Cordelia bent down and kissed him. She patted his head   
and added: "get better soon."  
  
As she left Angel's bedroom, Wesley's eyes followed her.  
  
"All of them," Wesley added.  
  
  
  
Ripper  
  
  



End file.
